Forgiving others is easy to do

 

I still smile when maybe I am so happy or pretend all is okay. I have this amazing family at Crossroads my church whom I know I can be me, yet I still hide, fear over takes me and I hold it all in. I hate it when I hold it all in because when I do I pull back hard. The probably best way to understand what I go through when I hold back, is it's much like a pressure cooker the steam builds up and up till finally it screams as it comes out! I push it down in me hard till it finally comes screaming out. But with me I forget what's in the barn pot. So I go to bed with this pressure building up in me, I say my prays as I do each night and then drift off to never land, and for me that's like maybe 10 minutes when all of the sudden I am woken up with the shakes, I am sweating as if I just got done running a 10 mile race and my heart is beating so fast it's hard to think. My body is in shock . What really is going on is, I am now have a full blown anxiety that I cannot control, by hiding it or push it away, I have to ride it out, which causes me not to sleep for days, even weeks no joke. I think to myself, maybe if I could pin point what I pushed down I could face it and then let go let God and be done with it, or better yet not push down my pain, my sadness or whatever I am facing that I cannot cope with at the time is am feel it. Sounds great okay i won't push it down i will face whatever it is, head on... I then go about my day and before I know it I am doing it again... I do it without thinking. I go out of my way to avoid confutation, which also builds up in me. But I have notice when I do face it, I can't let it go. WHY NOT let it go give it to God I am telling myself. and Giving it to God is the easy part, but taking it back is also easy. I ask God to forgive me and I know He will. I know he is, His word says so... 1 John 1:9 (New International Version)

9) If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I am not worry if He will, I know He has. however me forgiving myself well, that's something completely different, I don't forgive myself. Though I find it easy to forgive others, and trust me, what I have been through over the last 10 years. People I have loved, people I have trusted have crushed me till I could not stand anymore. my heart was ripped from my chest and hung out to dry. I was brought up to forgive others God commands us to do so. But I was not even taught to forgive myself.

Proverbs 20:22
Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you.

Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Matthew 5:44-45
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

I have been taught to forgive an love others and I do I truly do. but somewhere along the way I have never ever learn to do the same for me, how could I over look that , it sin not to care for body, myself how did I over look this? Now it's tattoo in my mind and I do without thinking, I don't have enemies because you see, I have myself.

My Life

I’m starting to realize that living in denial is no way to live. While it may make me happy to ignore the pain that’s built up, it’s not true happiness. It’s like when you don’t feel like cleaning your house so you throw everything on the bed and cover it up with the comforter.

The mess is still there. You still have to deal with it at some point. The only thing you’re doing is covering it up. It’s so easy to ignore sadness and tell yourself to be happy all the time.

You tell yourself… don’t let no one see. Don’t let anyone know.  I must hide it, I must cover it up…. Even though I made my bed real nice, If someone was to lift up the comforter they see a HUGE mess.

I been taught all my life to always cover up the mess and let no one see.  And you know what? I’m SICK AND TIRED of it!!!!

But now it's become a part of me.  I pretend I’m okay when I’m not, I pretend I’m happy when I’m sad, I pretend I’m outgoing when I’m scared, I pretend everything is okay and I don’t need anyone when really my heart is breaking and screaming from inside…. CAN ANYONE hear me?

But how can they when I have come to be a professional at coving up this mess, called my life!!

Wow if you ONLY KNEW!!!  

Don’t get me wrong, I am nice and kind and I love helping people. But I’m sick and tired of not getting help, or not having no one to talk to, not being heard when I have something to say. No one to hang out with go to the movies with listen to Music with.

But who’s to blame?   ??

You??

Nope!!! ME!!!

Because I cover up so you can’t see.

I can’t blame no one but me.

BUT WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

Face the mess I created and clean it from the grace of God who gives me grace when I don’t deserve it, for He always see the mess yet loves me anyway!!

I wrote that Nov, 10 2007 And I am looking back over my life to see if much has change...? Something's has change I am glad to report but then again on other things it seems I have not moved an inch... where is my fruit, The Word says you will know them buy there fruit.

Matthew 7:16 (New International Version)

16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?

Though it is great to see I have grown in some places in my life where other places I didn't get very far.

I love God He is the base of me, I am NOTHING without my first love!! I am so very grateful I cannot over talk Him for if anyone could it be me for sure, I go to Him soooo much.

 It completely blows my mind sometimes, how I can see that I am going to God. I get on the right track and I get going and then I back off the track, it really bothers me!!! Why in the world would I even get off the track I am happiest when I am in the middle of Gods will for my life, when I am close to Him, I do not for the life of me understand WHY would I even drifted off??? UAG!!!