My Life

I’m starting to realize that living in denial is no way to live. While it may make me happy to ignore the pain that’s built up, it’s not true happiness. It’s like when you don’t feel like cleaning your house so you throw everything on the bed and cover it up with the comforter.

The mess is still there. You still have to deal with it at some point. The only thing you’re doing is covering it up. It’s so easy to ignore sadness and tell yourself to be happy all the time.

You tell yourself… don’t let no one see. Don’t let anyone know.  I must hide it, I must cover it up…. Even though I made my bed real nice, If someone was to lift up the comforter they see a HUGE mess.

I been taught all my life to always cover up the mess and let no one see.  And you know what? I’m SICK AND TIRED of it!!!!

But now it's become a part of me.  I pretend I’m okay when I’m not, I pretend I’m happy when I’m sad, I pretend I’m outgoing when I’m scared, I pretend everything is okay and I don’t need anyone when really my heart is breaking and screaming from inside…. CAN ANYONE hear me?

But how can they when I have come to be a professional at coving up this mess, called my life!!

Wow if you ONLY KNEW!!!  

Don’t get me wrong, I am nice and kind and I love helping people. But I’m sick and tired of not getting help, or not having no one to talk to, not being heard when I have something to say. No one to hang out with go to the movies with listen to Music with.

But who’s to blame?   ??

You??

Nope!!! ME!!!

Because I cover up so you can’t see.

I can’t blame no one but me.

BUT WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

Face the mess I created and clean it from the grace of God who gives me grace when I don’t deserve it, for He always see the mess yet loves me anyway!!

I wrote that Nov, 10 2007 And I am looking back over my life to see if much has change...? Something's has change I am glad to report but then again on other things it seems I have not moved an inch... where is my fruit, The Word says you will know them buy there fruit.

Matthew 7:16 (New International Version)

16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?

Though it is great to see I have grown in some places in my life where other places I didn't get very far.

I love God He is the base of me, I am NOTHING without my first love!! I am so very grateful I cannot over talk Him for if anyone could it be me for sure, I go to Him soooo much.

 It completely blows my mind sometimes, how I can see that I am going to God. I get on the right track and I get going and then I back off the track, it really bothers me!!! Why in the world would I even get off the track I am happiest when I am in the middle of Gods will for my life, when I am close to Him, I do not for the life of me understand WHY would I even drifted off??? UAG!!!